Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cranky thoughts from a crabby morning

You know those mornings that start out like any other morning and then rapidly go downhill? It starts with the alarm jolting you out of a weird dream where you are at the movie theater watching a Jason Bateman movie on a date with Jason Bateman and your friend is encouraging you to hold his hand except it's not really Jason Bateman, it's more like a Jason Bateman/somebody else hybrid. And then you actually have enough time for once in the morning and you get just to the point of doing your hair where there is no turning back,  the point of no return: the curling has begun and if it doesn't come out looking reasonably sane then you will actually have to call in sick because if you go in with crazy hair like that they will fire you anyway and then you realize that you hit some sort of wormhole because you are now five minutes late. Everything is the worst, it's everyone's fault, mostly Jason Bateman and you're so late and then you get to work to discover that it's just as awful as it is everyday and everyone's crabby and everything is terrible. Or is it just me? Here are some adventures from this kind of morning:

-I forgot what Ravelry was called and how to get there. Forgot. I go to this website everyday and I forgot it. I kept thinking: "Stitch...something? Stitchery? Stitch'n bitch'n? Yarn...? Yarny?...Do I have a brain tumor? I can see the website with the alpacas and the Boston Terrier...Knit...something?"

-Seriously. We are grown ups. If you are going to chew your gum, chew it. If you want to snap it constantly (20 times in 30 seconds I COUNTED), fine. But don't blame me if I "trip" and "accidentally" impale you with a letter opener.

-You know what I find extremely soothing on crabby days? Well, yes, whiskey, but not at work. What I find truly soothing is imagining I have a tiny little pocket-sized Al Swearengen. And he whispers in my ear and I laugh at all the mean, terrible thing he says and how bad ass-ly he says them. And it really, really helps.

*BEFORE YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO* They don't call him Swearengen for nothing. There are a lot of swears in this video. Do not watch it if you have an aversion to foul language and reference to vulgar acts in a wild west saloon setting. Do watch it if you need to know how to rant like a champ.
 (Other pocket-size friends I wish I had include, but are not limited to: Eddie Izzard, Gloria Steinem, Ina Garten, and Dolly Parton.)

-I love it when a staff member from another department comes into our department and takes the treats we are sharing without asking and without being there for any specific work related task. It really lends credence to my theory that she just walks around the place eating free food instead of doing, say, her job. It gets even better when she complains about our selection of free goodies. 

-As I work on my list of items to make for people for Christmas I would like to know why I was cursed with two pretty, sociable sisters who have increased the size of our family with their boyfriend and husband and baby (respectively. Laura is not cheating on Aaron. And if she does, I am not making her other man anything for Christmas. So there). Then I realized that it's genetic because I am also pretty and sociable and have waaaay too many close friends.Why, oh, why couldn't we have had ugly, mean parents?

It was at this point of the morning that I realized I was complaining about loving and being loved by too many people and I snapped out of my funk. Also, watching Swearengen videos can really help a girl out.
*So. Many. F-words.*

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